Archives for Special Edition

Community Theatre

“Wait, you mean they pay Woody Harrelson for acting funniest?”

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Holding up a jar of mayonnaise I brought in

“Mr. Ah-Loe, you should get mayo next time instead of mayonnaise.”

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Other Than That

“Mr. Ah-Loe, you kinda remind me of my uncle, except he’s gay and sells weed.”

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Least Restrictive Alternatives

After a physical restraint:

Kid: “I’m still going to press charges and you’re probably going to lose your job.”
Me: “Well, then I guess I just won’t be able to pay rent and I’ll have to be homeless.”
Kid: “I don’t want you to do that, you can stay at my mom’s until you find a new job.”

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Don’t Forget Your Towel

“Mr. Ah-Loe, the reason I had to wash this is because I jizzed on it.”
“Dude, I didn’t need to know that.”
“Yes you do, you’re my staff. You need to know everything we do.”

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Biblically

“Hey, Mr. Ah-Loe, you know in the Bible it says we are all brothers and sisters? That means we shouldn’t even be having wives. Isn’t that what it means?”

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Artful Dodger

This kid spent almost ten minutes trying to break the padlock on the storage closet in the gym. He checked it after every three or four strikes to see if he had succeeded. I watched from across the gym and didn’t stop him… because he was hitting it with a foot-tall orange rubber traffic cone.

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It’s 75° outside. I am comfortable.

“Don’t you know it’s too frickin’ cold out for shorts, ya idiot?!”

(He was also wearing shorts.)

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They will greet us as liberators.

This 12 year old tied a strip of ripped T-shirt around his head and had been walking around giving peace signs and saying he’s a hippie.

Kid: “Are you a hippie?”
Me: “No. I don’t like hippies, actually.”
Kid: “Anyone who doesn’t like peace should be kicked in the face!”

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Somebody hated Total Recall

“I support breast cancer!”

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At the hospital:

“This phone smells like hands.”

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Keep it up, you could get promoted to Captain.

At dinner, a kid said “this marshmallow is squishy.” I asked him if his drink was wet and he nodded in the affirmative.

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Now I wonder what he meant the first time.

This kid was getting mad at another kid and balling up his fists, then made the following threat:

“Oohhhhh you’re lucky you’re not a virgin.”

…Later:

“What’s a virgin anyway?”

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Kids Exchanging Burns

“I got your mother pregnant when I was 2.”

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Having smart kids is the perk of the Asperger’s dorm.

While playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl:

“Dude, he’s owning you like he’s an 1800s white person!”

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Luck Be A Lady

I had to redirect this kid for intentionally walking out of line on the way out of dinner. When he decided to follow directions and get back on the sidewalk, he ran straight into the wing mirror of a truck and hit his head.

Me: “Maybe that’s karma for not walking in line. You know what that is?”
Kid: “Yeah.”
Me: “‘What goes around comes around’ and all that. I don’t really believe in karma, I was just making a point.”
Kid: “Maybe that’s why you only have loneliness in your life.”
Me: “Haha, what do you mean by that?”
Kid: “She makes women not like you so that you’re just lonely all the time and by yourself.”
Me: “Who’s she?”
Kid: “Karma.”
Me: “Karma is a woman?”
Kid: “Yep.”

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The Gateway Drug To Jenkem

While I was carrying a urinalysis sample to the lab…

Kid: “Is that pee?”
Me: “Yes, you want some?”
Kid: “Yeah, will it get you high?”

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God of Adolescence

“Your beard causes puberty.”

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Random Number Generator

Kid: “How old are you?”
Me: “28.”
Kid: “75?”
Me: “I’m 28.”
Kid: “You don’t look that old. I mean, you look older.”
Me: “How old do I look?”
Kid: “I don’t know, 36? 74?”

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Drought

I overheard two kids arguing as they were walking in from the back patio, so I asked them what the problem was.

Kid 1: “Is grass a plant?”
Me: “…Yeah… of course it is. Why?”
Kid 2: “He said he was gonna water the grass, I told him that you only water plants.”
Kid 1: “Yeah, can I go water the grass?”
Kid 2: “Dude. Nobody waters grass. I never seen nobody water grass.”
Me: “Yes… uh, yes they do. What do you think the sprinkler out there on the lawn is for?”
Kid 2: “Not for grass. For plants.”

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It’s tired in here.

“It’s too sweaty out here. Mother Nature is sweaty.”

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G’night, John-boy!

We have a younger kid right now that asked me to tuck him in. I had heard about this routine from the other dorm he moved here from, but he hadn’t asked me to do so until tonight. I had to do it out of curiosity, although I hope it doesn’t become a habit.

First, I noticed that the only pillow he had was this little Steelers helmet plush pillow thing, next to a plush polar bear. I asked him what happened to his regular pillow.
“You didn’t remember I don’t have my real pillow anymore?”
“No, what happened to it?”
“I made it a bed for my bear, it’s over there in the closet.”
“Your stuffed bear?”
“Yep.”
“He doesn’t need a bed. Think about it. He’s made of stuffing; he’s always comfortable.”
“That’s true!”
So, he got up and went to get his pillow and I helped him put it back in its pillowcase.

When I was leaving and turning off his light, I said, “You know you’re gonna grow out of this pretty soon, right?”
“No I’m not.”
“What are you gonna do when you have kids of your own? Who’s gonna tuck you in then?”
“My mom.”
“Your mom?”
“No, wait, I’ll have my girlfriend tuck me in.”
“You and your girlfriend are gonna live with your mom?”
“Yep. I love my mom too much to let her go.”

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2012 Summer Games

“Mr. J, do you know what the Pimp Games are? What is a Pimp Game? I heard it on my radio.”

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Oregano

So, now that I work on the Asperger’s/autism dorm, it’s not so much off-the-wall goofy quotables that I hear… but situations that are strange. So, maybe this is different than other entries, but it’s still kind of amusing…

We have this kid who’s obsessed with Jimi Hendrix. I like Jimi Hendrix, but sometimes the autism spectrum kids just go overboard with their infatuations. Anyway, so I think partially because of Hendrix and all that hippie crap, he’s really interested in drugs. But I don’t think he really knows much at all about drugs.

So, I’ve caught him a few times with stolen lighters trying to smoke grass… actual grass, like, from the back yard… in poorly-rolled regular paper. Nothing even resembling a joint. We would put him on consequences for it and everything, but he kept doing it. Anyway, once, the kids across the hall from him snitched that he gave them a bag of weed. So, of course we looked into it and the kid gave us the bag. It clearly wasn’t weed, but we thought it might be K2 or something weird like that.

After I smelled it and thought about it for a second, I realized that it was just the spinach we had for dinner the day before, which he probably dried out in his window.

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MF

This kid made a one-eyed papier-mâché mask in art therapy.

“This a Doom Mask. Any time you see dis mask, somebody gettin’ doomed on!”

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