Archives for Special Edition

Prairie Wind

Kid:  “I put one spray in each nose.”
Me:  “Each nostril?”
Kid:  “Yeah. The Nasonex is helping. The Nasonex is helping me breathe actually. It’s opening up my throat pastures.”

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Airvoyance

This kid keeps getting sent to his room for farting around everyone. His repeated excuse the past two days:

“It’s not my fault! I don’t know when it’s gonna happen! I don’t have butt sensors like everyone else!”

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Matter-of-Fact

“Why did the food tester get salmonella?”

“Why?”

“He didn’t wash his hands.”

“…Is that a joke?”

“Either that or an interesting factoid.”

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The Spirit of Discovery.

Tonight’s snack is sandwiches, chips, and chocolate-flavored marshmallows. Of course, one kid decides to put the chips and marshmallows on his ham sandwich.

“I’m doing this as a experiment. I wonder if this tastes good. If this tastes good, I’m gonna be a scientist forever.”

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Bris

Credit to my friend Jason, who overheard this at his job:

“They cut the un-Biblical chord with circumscissors.”

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Yoshi & Birdo

Yoshi & Birdo

This could be the magnum opus. A kid was trying to hide the fact that he had a note from a girl at school, but he wasn’t very sly about it. It turned out not to be a note from a girl, but more of a to-do list. He’s one of our youngest clients.

Front:

Back:

Yoshi & Birdo (front) Yoshi & Birdo (back)

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I might start using that one.

(Playing chess)

Staff:  “Would you hurry up?”
Kid:  “Give me a minute! This is a game of thinkanism!”

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The Impossible Journey

“How come there’s Hawai’i license plates when there’s no way to get to Hawai’i?”

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Fact of the Day

Yesterday, in line for dinner, after I told some other kids to stop talking in line and it got quiet, this kid declared to me:

“Ding-Dongs are also one of a kind!”

No context whatsoever. Today, at the exact same spot on the way to dinner, he did it again, saying:

“A prostitute is a chicken!”

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For internal use only.

Kid:  “Do we have any lotion? My chest is dry and it itches.”
Me:  “No.”
Kid:  “What about, like, Pepto Bismol?”
Me:  “For your… skin?”
Kid:  “Yeah, my mom puts Pepto Bismol on my skin sometimes if I have like a rash or something.”
Me:  “You sure you’re not talking about calamine lotion?”
Kid:  “Uh… yeah, no, it’s like calamine lotion, but it’s called Pepto Bismol.”

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Works for basketball.

“I’m gonna get a scholarship to the NFL, watch.”

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Make Momma Proud

One of the kids on another dorm got in trouble because he told his mother in a phone call that he no longer wants to be called his given name, and must now be referred to as “Big Dick Daddy.”

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Reverse Genetic Engineering

(While eating peanuts)

“These things taste just like peanut butter almost, but nuts.”

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He heard me say the words “Vice President.”

Kid: “I’d go for the Vice Taco!”
Me: “What?”
Kid: “I go to the Vice Taco!”
Me: “What does that mean?”
Kid: “It’s a expression!”
Me: “What does it mean?”
Kid: “It means I go to the Advic-ing Taco. it means I go get advice from the Taco Man!”

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On the phone with grandma.

“Something cool I just found out today: cats actually only have one life.”

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I’ll have to burn him a Slayer CD.

image

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Single Negative, Triple Positive.

“What do dogs don’t do?”

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Dragonoid

“I’m horning you with my horn.”

A kid poked me in the shoulder with his Bakugan toy. “Chink!” he said, as a sound effect.

“That’s racist.”

“What?! How is that horny? Wait… what did I say?”

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Fetal Speed

“Now, run! Run like you’ve never been born!”

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Little Big Planet

Kid 1:  “Put that one on.”
Kid 2:  “No, I’m not gonna put that one on because I’m a black guy, and black guys don’t have lion tails. No offense, Jermaine!”

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Viewing Comprehension

(While watching The Matrix Reloaded)

Therapist: “So what’s the whole idea of this movie?”
Kid: “It’s vampires killing each other and all that.”

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The Masturbating Bear

We have a kid right now who’s 12 and recently discovered masturbation. We’ve had to talk to him about washing his hands afterwards and what’s appropriate and all that, so he’s got this plush panda he sets outside his door to function as a Do Not Disturb sign. Also, he doesn’t masturbate like normal; he fucks clothes and stuffed animals. Now, part of the problem is that since we’ve talked to him, he has absolutely no shame and talks pretty openly to staff about it.

For example, one time he came out of his room and went to wash his hands in the laundry room sink. Staff made a comment about how sweaty he was, and he said, “Most of it is because it’s hot in here but part of it is because of what I just finished doing. High five?” A few weeks ago he comes out with a wad of clothes..  with a wad of… stuff on it. He showed staff and asked if he could wash it. Last week, he asked if he had time before dinner and I had to tell him no. All he said was “Darn it.” Every day after dinner, we have all the kids go to their rooms for 40 minutes and that’s usually his “me time.”

Today, he came out holding his panda during downtime to ask me a question…
Kid:  “Have we been in our rooms for 30 minutes?”
Me: “You’ve been in for 17 minutes.”
Kid:  “So it’s been longer than 30?”
Me:  “I said you’ve been in for 17 minutes so far.”
Kid:  “…”
Me:  “Which one of those numbers is bigger?”
Kid:  “…17?”
Me:  “No. You have been in your room for less than 30 minutes.”
Kid:  “Darnit. Well, is it true that you’re not supposed to do anything for 30 minutes after you eat?”
Me: “You mean like swimming? You’re not supposed to swim or do any serious exercise after eating. You could get sick to your stomach. Why?”
Kid:  (holding up his panda) “So, is it safe to do this?”
Me:  “…Yes. You’ll be fine.”

He went back to his room and set the panda outside the door. As he closed the door, he yelled, “Are you sure? I’m trusting you!”

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Kevin Bacon

Kid: “I’m gonna kill you, first degree murder.”
Staff: “Do you even know what first degree murder is?”
Kid: “Yes.”
Staff: “Then what?”
Kid: “It’s when you kill one person.”
Staff: “So if you kill two people it’s second degree?”
Kid: “Yes.”

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Baby Boom

Kid: “My balloon’s losing air. Do you think you could get me another balloon?”
Me: “I don’t really find myself at balloon shops too often.”
Kid: “You could just go to Wal-Mart. They have them in the party section, especially in birthday season, which is around July.”

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Eighteen year old male.

Kid: “How about Princess Diaries?”
Me: “Not really… my type of thing.”
Kid: “That’s a good movie. I like a lot of Disney movies.”
Me: “I like Pixar movies.”
Kid: “What about Air Bud? Have you seen Air Bud?”
Me: “Yeah, it’s horrible.”
Kid: “No, nah-uh, that’s a good movie.”
Me: “If you like bad movies.”
Kid: “It’s about a dog that plays basketball, c’mon!”

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