Archives for Story

Yoshi & Birdo

This could be the magnum opus. A kid was trying to hide the fact that he had a note from a girl at school, but he wasn’t very sly about it. It turned out not to be a note from a girl, but more of a to-do list. He’s one of our youngest clients. Front: […]

The Masturbating Bear

We have a kid right now who’s 12 and recently discovered masturbation. We’ve had to talk to him about washing his hands afterwards and what’s appropriate and all that, so he’s got this plush panda he sets outside his door to function as a Do Not Disturb sign. Also, he doesn’t masturbate like normal; he […]

Artful Dodger

This kid spent almost ten minutes trying to break the padlock on the storage closet in the gym. He checked it after every three or four strikes to see if he had succeeded. I watched from across the gym and didn’t stop him… because he was hitting it with a foot-tall orange rubber traffic cone.


So, now that I work on the Asperger’s/autism dorm, it’s not so much off-the-wall goofy quotables that I hear… but situations that are strange. So, maybe this is different than other entries, but it’s still kind of amusing… We have this kid who’s obsessed with Jimi Hendrix. I like Jimi Hendrix, but sometimes the autism […]

Ask not if I am a crook,

This kid is holding his fingers up like Richard Nixon and saying “JFK” periodically, despite my telling him repeatedly that that’s Nixon.

Ben Gay

This kid was trying to get muscle rub on the middle of his back, so he put it on the wall in the hallway and then rubbed his back on the wall. He also said, “How come it don’t burn your hand? I mean, with all the rubbing you do with your hands, no homo. […]

Jar-Jar Beavis

It appears to be unfinished, but this kid left his notebook out for lucky onlookers to read his story: Chapter 2 appears to still be in the works.


Overheard @ work… A mom walking briskly down the hall with her daughter, taking her out of school: “I just wanna choke the shit outta you right now! You lucky all these white people here.”

Alright, but the kid better not touch my ‘stache!

This kid just came out of his room wearing a big strip of dryer lint as a mustache.

Symptoms of Jungle Fever

So we have a white kid from the country up here, and apparently he’s developed a thing for black girls. I guess he got in trouble today for sexually harassing one of the black girls at school. I was in the office with some other staff, joking about how mad his rural mother would get […]

Ignorant of one’s own ignorance.

At breakfast today, this little white boy (who has called me a nigger before, for the record) said “I ain’t no nigga,” when one of the black kids said nigga to him, then almost got his ass kicked for it. On the way up, I tried to explain to him that some black people don’t […]

I’m gonna have to confiscate th… nevermind.

This kid is restricted to his room and just yelled down the hall to me, “I made a shank!” “Oh yeah? Out of what?” “A pen, and some other stuff. Wanna see?” So he brings it up to show me. Nevermind that I’m the staff here and obviously would be taking it from him if […]

Speaking wrongly wrongly.

Went over to the dorm next door. When the kids are on consequences they have to stay in their rooms for a certain amount of time. A kid was yelling stuff out of his door at the staff and other kids and generally being a nuisance, so we were maybe going to have to take […]

Google it if you must/dare.

The boys’ dorm next door named their softball team “The Pink Sox” and have no idea what they’ve done.

Hirsute (ESL)

This kid has terrible boundaries. First, he grasped my arm hairs with his fingertips, and I pulled away like “That’s weird, don’t touch people if they don’t want you to.” Then he says, “You’re hairy man. It’s hairy man time!”

More excitement! (ESL)

low-functioning mexican kid listening to reggaeton on someone else’s CD player… kid: “Can you buy me CD player?” me: “I come to work to make money, not spend money.” kid: “What?” me: “I’m not gonna buy you anything, I ain’t yo daddy.” kid: “…You look like him, no… [giggles to himself]… IT’S REGGAETON TIME, BRO! […]

White, 11-year-old baby gangsters from rural Missouri.

This new kid is gonna be a trip, I already know… He got here last night. Little white kid that looks like he smokes a lot of weed and listens to SPM. I kept seeing him poking his head out down the hallway a minute ago, so I figured he didn’t know if he could […]

ATTN: Major Publishers.

The really crazy kid here writes short stories under the alias “Bones” that are always horror stories involving celebrities and the staff that works here. Here’s one of them, apparently unfinished: The Fat Men United Trilogy by “Bones” Once there was a bunch of chub-chubs. They were a happy bunch of furballs. But then came […]

Not funny. At all.

yesterday’s glamour has rotted. today’s work experience consists of searching a kids room for dork items i think he stole from me worth at least $50, but instead finding a trashbag containing a considerable amount of unidentified brown liquid, and what appears to be little girls’ swimsuit bottoms.

Ultimate Frisbee

these kids are rubbing frisbees on their dicks and trying to touch each other with them. if there was ANY POSSIBLE WAY i could have predicted that exchange i’d have stopped it so far ahead of time.

It’s your fault.

we had a kid walk himself up the bleachers in the gym, then have a panic attack and freeze up at the top because of the height, unable to come down.

Kleptomania for Dummies.

Just had a kid cheekily trying to take a can of shaving cream off the desk and put it in his pocket, for god knows what reason. Kid: “You didn’t see that.” Me: “I did so. What do you even want it for?” Kid: “I could sell it.” Me: “Dude, no one’s gonna buy used […]

Binary Star

Me: “We’re going outside at noon.” Kid: “What part of noon do you mean?” Me: “Noon. What? There’s only one noon.” Kid: “There’s two noons to me.” Me: “No… there isn’t.”

Tara told me about this convo

Kid: “Why do we care about Haiti?” Staff: “There was an earthquake and a lot of people got hurt.” Kid: “Well, do we own Haiti?” Staff: “What? No, nobody really owns it. It’s an independent country, if that’s what you mean.” Kid: “Who owns America? Barack Obama?” He went on to argue with her for […]

Check it out, there’s this thing called “The Internet.”

A kid that used to live here came by to visit, flaunting his newfound love for the intarvebz and all the celebrities that are his BFFs now: “Guess who I met. Miley Cyrus. I met her on myspace.” and “Did you know T-Pain is on twitter?”