Posted on March 8, 2014 and filed under Quote.
“Before I eat the last Fig Newton, I just have to say,” pointing at the cookie, “you are my awesome, cool dude… friend… guy.”
Posted on February 26, 2014 and filed under Quote.
Kid: “I put one spray in each nose.”
Me: “Each nostril?”
Kid: “Yeah. The Nasonex is helping. The Nasonex is helping me breathe actually. It’s opening up my throat pastures.”
Posted on February 24, 2014 and filed under Quote.
This kid keeps getting sent to his room for farting around everyone. His repeated excuse the past two days:
“It’s not my fault! I don’t know when it’s gonna happen! I don’t have butt sensors like everyone else!”
Posted on February 17, 2014 and filed under Quote.
“Why did the food tester get salmonella?”
“He didn’t wash his hands.”
“…Is that a joke?”
“Either that or an interesting factoid.”
The Spirit of Discovery.
Posted on January 19, 2014 and filed under Quote.
Tonight’s snack is sandwiches, chips, and chocolate-flavored marshmallows. Of course, one kid decides to put the chips and marshmallows on his ham sandwich.
“I’m doing this as a experiment. I wonder if this tastes good. If this tastes good, I’m gonna be a scientist forever.”
Posted on December 17, 2013 and filed under Quote.
Credit to my friend Jason, who overheard this at his job:
“They cut the un-Biblical chord with circumscissors.”
Yoshi & Birdo
I might start using that one.
Posted on November 30, 2013 and filed under Quote.
Staff: “Would you hurry up?”
Kid: “Give me a minute! This is a game of thinkanism!”
The Impossible Journey
Posted on November 2, 2013 and filed under Quote.
“How come there’s Hawai’i license plates when there’s no way to get to Hawai’i?”
Fact of the Day
Posted on October 27, 2013 and filed under Quote.
Yesterday, in line for dinner, after I told some other kids to stop talking in line and it got quiet, this kid declared to me:
“Ding-Dongs are also one of a kind!”
No context whatsoever. Today, at the exact same spot on the way to dinner, he did it again, saying:
“A prostitute is a chicken!”
For internal use only.
Posted on October 22, 2013 and filed under Quote.
Kid: “Do we have any lotion? My chest is dry and it itches.”
Kid: “What about, like, Pepto Bismol?”
Me: “For your… skin?”
Kid: “Yeah, my mom puts Pepto Bismol on my skin sometimes if I have like a rash or something.”
Me: “You sure you’re not talking about calamine lotion?”
Kid: “Uh… yeah, no, it’s like calamine lotion, but it’s called Pepto Bismol.”
Works for basketball.
Posted on October 22, 2013 and filed under Quote.
“I’m gonna get a scholarship to the NFL, watch.”
Make Momma Proud
Posted on October 16, 2013 and filed under Quote.
One of the kids on another dorm got in trouble because he told his mother in a phone call that he no longer wants to be called his given name, and must now be referred to as “Big Dick Daddy.”
Reverse Genetic Engineering
Posted on September 22, 2013 and filed under Quote.
(While eating peanuts)
“These things taste just like peanut butter almost, but nuts.”
He heard me say the words “Vice President.”
Posted on September 20, 2013 and filed under Quote.
Kid: “I’d go for the Vice Taco!”
Kid: “I go to the Vice Taco!”
Me: “What does that mean?”
Kid: “It’s a expression!”
Me: “What does it mean?”
Kid: “It means I go to the Advic-ing Taco. it means I go get advice from the Taco Man!”
On the phone with grandma.
Posted on September 12, 2013 and filed under Quote.
“Something cool I just found out today: cats actually only have one life.”
Single Negative, Triple Positive.
Posted on July 10, 2013 and filed under Quote.
“What do dogs don’t do?”
Posted on June 8, 2013 and filed under Quote.
“I’m horning you with my horn.”
A kid poked me in the shoulder with his Bakugan toy. “Chink!” he said, as a sound effect.
“What?! How is that horny? Wait… what did I say?”
Posted on April 26, 2013 and filed under Quote.
“Now, run! Run like you’ve never been born!”
Little Big Planet
Posted on April 15, 2013 and filed under Quote.
Kid 1: “Put that one on.”
Kid 2: “No, I’m not gonna put that one on because I’m a black guy, and black guys don’t have lion tails. No offense, Jermaine!”
Posted on April 11, 2013 and filed under Quote.
(While watching The Matrix Reloaded)
Therapist: “So what’s the whole idea of this movie?”
Kid: “It’s vampires killing each other and all that.”
The Masturbating Bear
We have a kid right now who’s 12 and recently discovered masturbation. We’ve had to talk to him about washing his hands afterwards and what’s appropriate and all that, so he’s got this plush panda he sets outside his door to function as a Do Not Disturb sign. Also, he doesn’t masturbate like normal; he fucks clothes and stuffed animals. Now, part of the problem is that since we’ve talked to him, he has absolutely no shame and talks pretty openly to staff about it.
For example, one time he came out of his room and went to wash his hands in the laundry room sink. Staff made a comment about how sweaty he was, and he said, “Most of it is because it’s hot in here but part of it is because of what I just finished doing. High five?” A few weeks ago he comes out with a wad of clothes.. with a wad of… stuff on it. He showed staff and asked if he could wash it. Last week, he asked if he had time before dinner and I had to tell him no. All he said was “Darn it.” Every day after dinner, we have all the kids go to their rooms for 40 minutes and that’s usually his “me time.”
Today, he came out holding his panda during downtime to ask me a question…
Kid: “Have we been in our rooms for 30 minutes?”
Me: “You’ve been in for 17 minutes.”
Kid: “So it’s been longer than 30?”
Me: “I said you’ve been in for 17 minutes so far.”
Me: “Which one of those numbers is bigger?”
Me: “No. You have been in your room for less than 30 minutes.”
Kid: “Darnit. Well, is it true that you’re not supposed to do anything for 30 minutes after you eat?”
Me: “You mean like swimming? You’re not supposed to swim or do any serious exercise after eating. You could get sick to your stomach. Why?”
Kid: (holding up his panda) “So, is it safe to do this?”
Me: “…Yes. You’ll be fine.”
He went back to his room and set the panda outside the door. As he closed the door, he yelled, “Are you sure? I’m trusting you!”
Posted on March 3, 2013 and filed under Quote.
Kid: “I’m gonna kill you, first degree murder.”
Staff: “Do you even know what first degree murder is?”
Staff: “Then what?”
Kid: “It’s when you kill one person.”
Staff: “So if you kill two people it’s second degree?”