Number Plumber

“You know how Mario dies in every level? Koopa Troopa confuses him with numbers like 2, 6, 17, 23…”

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I’m going to try ordering one.

“Can I have some Half & Half?”
“Like… creamer?”
“No, your half tea, half lemonade powder stuff.”
“Oh, the Arnold Palmer? Half tea & half lemonade is called an Arnold Palmer, after a golfer who used to drink it all the time.”
“Oh. So can I have some golfer?”

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Say that again and listen to yourself.

Two similar things happened today.

When we were lining up for dinner, the kids started going out the door into the hallway. My coworker said, “Hey, I didn’t say to go out yet, get back in here and close the door!” One kid was standing in the hallway still and yelled, “I didn’t go out!”

Another kid lost his glasses in the yard by the basketball court. We were helping him look for them because he couldn’t see. One of the staff asked him, “Are you sure you didn’t leave them in your room in the first place?” The kid said, “They’re not in my room! If they were in my room, they’d be on my head right now and I’d be looking for them!”

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Thanks

“Hey, can you shut that door for me?”
“Yes. I just ate my face. In Calcutta.”

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Future Fox News Statistician

“Did you know that ninety out of ten people sleep with their light off?”

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FDA Conspiracy

“Mr. Ah-Loe, is it true that every time your tongue touches salt, you get cancer a little bit?”

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My hovercraft is full of eels.

Kid: “I’m gonna speak Mexican.”
Me: “That’s not a language.”
Kid: “I’m gonn speak Mexican when I get in the shower.”
Me: “Listen. What do they speak in Mexico?”
Kid: “El… Spanish…o? Can I get some shampoo?”
Me: “Can you ask me that in Spanish?”
Kid: “Shampoo… di… sartinez?”

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You don’t even know how meta you are right now.

At dinner…

Kid:  “I am Antonio, I have TP for my butthole!”
Me:  “Have you ever even seen that show? That’s not how it goes.”
Kid:  “What show?”
Me:  “That’s from a show called Beavis & Butthead.”
Kid:  “Huh-huh. Butt.”

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Tai Chi Master

Kid:  “I hate this place! I’m gonna run!”
Staff:  “They already took your shoes. What are you gonna do about the rocks?”
Kid:  “I’ll put paper on the bottom of my feet!”

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Save it for your therapist.

“I wish she was younger and not my sister, ’cause she’s pretty.”

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Goodreads

Me:  “What’s your favorite book?”
Kid:  “Dexter’s Laboratory.”
Me:  “Is that a picture book?”
Kid:  “No.”
Me:  “Well, are there pictures in it?”
Kid: “I don’t know, I’ve never seen it or the insides of it or the cover.”
Me: “Then how is it your favorite book?”
Kid:  “I just like anything Dexter’s Lab.”
Me:  “But you haven’t read it.”
Kid:  “No.”
Me:  “Are you sure that book even exists?”
Kid:  “Yes. I heard about it from my sister’s friend.”

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Planet Lovetron

image

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Dig Newton

“Before I eat the last Fig Newton, I just have to say,” pointing at the cookie, “you are my awesome, cool dude… friend… guy.”

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Prairie Wind

Kid:  “I put one spray in each nose.”
Me:  “Each nostril?”
Kid:  “Yeah. The Nasonex is helping. The Nasonex is helping me breathe actually. It’s opening up my throat pastures.”

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Airvoyance

This kid keeps getting sent to his room for farting around everyone. His repeated excuse the past two days:

“It’s not my fault! I don’t know when it’s gonna happen! I don’t have butt sensors like everyone else!”

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Matter-of-Fact

“Why did the food tester get salmonella?”

“Why?”

“He didn’t wash his hands.”

“…Is that a joke?”

“Either that or an interesting factoid.”

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The Spirit of Discovery.

Tonight’s snack is sandwiches, chips, and chocolate-flavored marshmallows. Of course, one kid decides to put the chips and marshmallows on his ham sandwich.

“I’m doing this as a experiment. I wonder if this tastes good. If this tastes good, I’m gonna be a scientist forever.”

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Bris

Credit to my friend Jason, who overheard this at his job:

“They cut the un-Biblical chord with circumscissors.”

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Yoshi & Birdo

Yoshi & Birdo

This could be the magnum opus. A kid was trying to hide the fact that he had a note from a girl at school, but he wasn’t very sly about it. It turned out not to be a note from a girl, but more of a to-do list. He’s one of our youngest clients.

Front:

Back:

Yoshi & Birdo (front) Yoshi & Birdo (back)

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I might start using that one.

(Playing chess)

Staff:  “Would you hurry up?”
Kid:  “Give me a minute! This is a game of thinkanism!”

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The Impossible Journey

“How come there’s Hawai’i license plates when there’s no way to get to Hawai’i?”

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Fact of the Day

Yesterday, in line for dinner, after I told some other kids to stop talking in line and it got quiet, this kid declared to me:

“Ding-Dongs are also one of a kind!”

No context whatsoever. Today, at the exact same spot on the way to dinner, he did it again, saying:

“A prostitute is a chicken!”

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For internal use only.

Kid:  “Do we have any lotion? My chest is dry and it itches.”
Me:  “No.”
Kid:  “What about, like, Pepto Bismol?”
Me:  “For your… skin?”
Kid:  “Yeah, my mom puts Pepto Bismol on my skin sometimes if I have like a rash or something.”
Me:  “You sure you’re not talking about calamine lotion?”
Kid:  “Uh… yeah, no, it’s like calamine lotion, but it’s called Pepto Bismol.”

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Works for basketball.

“I’m gonna get a scholarship to the NFL, watch.”

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Make Momma Proud

One of the kids on another dorm got in trouble because he told his mother in a phone call that he no longer wants to be called his given name, and must now be referred to as “Big Dick Daddy.”

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