You don’t even know how meta you are right now.

At dinner…

Kid:  “I am Antonio, I have TP for my butthole!”
Me:  “Have you ever even seen that show? That’s not how it goes.”
Kid:  “What show?”
Me:  “That’s from a show called Beavis & Butthead.”
Kid:  “Huh-huh. Butt.”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

Tai Chi Master

Kid:  “I hate this place! I’m gonna run!”
Staff:  “They already took your shoes. What are you gonna do about the rocks?”
Kid:  “I’ll put paper on the bottom of my feet!”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

Save it for your therapist.

“I wish she was younger and not my sister, ’cause she’s pretty.”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

I’d watch that movie.

“If an illegal immigrant and a pedophile got in a fight, would that be like Alien vs. Predator?”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

Goodreads

Me:  “What’s your favorite book?”
Kid:  “Dexter’s Laboratory.”
Me:  “Is that a picture book?”
Kid:  “No.”
Me:  “Well, are there pictures in it?”
Kid: “I don’t know, I’ve never seen it or the insides of it or the cover.”
Me: “Then how is it your favorite book?”
Kid:  “I just like anything Dexter’s Lab.”
Me:  “But you haven’t read it.”
Kid:  “No.”
Me:  “Are you sure that book even exists?”
Kid:  “Yes. I heard about it from my sister’s friend.”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

Planet Lovetron

image

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

Dig Newton

“Before I eat the last Fig Newton, I just have to say,” pointing at the cookie, “you are my awesome, cool dude… friend… guy.”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

Prairie Wind

Kid:  “I put one spray in each nose.”
Me:  “Each nostril?”
Kid:  “Yeah. The Nasonex is helping. The Nasonex is helping me breathe actually. It’s opening up my throat pastures.”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

Airvoyance

This kid keeps getting sent to his room for farting around everyone. His repeated excuse the past two days:

“It’s not my fault! I don’t know when it’s gonna happen! I don’t have butt sensors like everyone else!”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

Matter-of-Fact

“Why did the food tester get salmonella?”

“Why?”

“He didn’t wash his hands.”

“…Is that a joke?”

“Either that or an interesting factoid.”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

The Spirit of Discovery.

Tonight’s snack is sandwiches, chips, and chocolate-flavored marshmallows. Of course, one kid decides to put the chips and marshmallows on his ham sandwich.

“I’m doing this as a experiment. I wonder if this tastes good. If this tastes good, I’m gonna be a scientist forever.”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

Bris

Credit to my friend Jason, who overheard this at his job:

“They cut the un-Biblical chord with circumscissors.”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

Yoshi & Birdo

Yoshi & Birdo

This could be the magnum opus. A kid was trying to hide the fact that he had a note from a girl at school, but he wasn’t very sly about it. It turned out not to be a note from a girl, but more of a to-do list. He’s one of our youngest clients.

Front:

Back:

Yoshi & Birdo (front) Yoshi & Birdo (back)

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

I might start using that one.

(Playing chess)

Staff:  “Would you hurry up?”
Kid:  “Give me a minute! This is a game of thinkanism!”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

The Impossible Journey

“How come there’s Hawai’i license plates when there’s no way to get to Hawai’i?”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

Fact of the Day

Yesterday, in line for dinner, after I told some other kids to stop talking in line and it got quiet, this kid declared to me:

“Ding-Dongs are also one of a kind!”

No context whatsoever. Today, at the exact same spot on the way to dinner, he did it again, saying:

“A prostitute is a chicken!”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

For internal use only.

Kid:  “Do we have any lotion? My chest is dry and it itches.”
Me:  “No.”
Kid:  “What about, like, Pepto Bismol?”
Me:  “For your… skin?”
Kid:  “Yeah, my mom puts Pepto Bismol on my skin sometimes if I have like a rash or something.”
Me:  “You sure you’re not talking about calamine lotion?”
Kid:  “Uh… yeah, no, it’s like calamine lotion, but it’s called Pepto Bismol.”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

Works for basketball.

“I’m gonna get a scholarship to the NFL, watch.”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

Make Momma Proud

One of the kids on another dorm got in trouble because he told his mother in a phone call that he no longer wants to be called his given name, and must now be referred to as “Big Dick Daddy.”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

Reverse Genetic Engineering

(While eating peanuts)

“These things taste just like peanut butter almost, but nuts.”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

He heard me say the words “Vice President.”

Kid: “I’d go for the Vice Taco!”
Me: “What?”
Kid: “I go to the Vice Taco!”
Me: “What does that mean?”
Kid: “It’s a expression!”
Me: “What does it mean?”
Kid: “It means I go to the Advic-ing Taco. it means I go get advice from the Taco Man!”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

On the phone with grandma.

“Something cool I just found out today: cats actually only have one life.”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

I’ll have to burn him a Slayer CD.

image

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

Single Negative, Triple Positive.

“What do dogs don’t do?”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark

 

Dragonoid

“I’m horning you with my horn.”

A kid poked me in the shoulder with his Bakugan toy. “Chink!” he said, as a sound effect.

“That’s racist.”

“What?! How is that horny? Wait… what did I say?”

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • MySpace
  • Google Buzz
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS
  • Add to favorites
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Fark