Special Edition

“Then why does Buddha the lardass have big earlobes? They’re not even gauged. He just sits in his throne and plays video games and World of Warcraft all day.”

“Hippies give each other the stupidest names, like Babyfreak.”
“No, that’s African Americans.”

“You know hippies do the most LCD.”

“I’m gonna do a rap called Nothin’ But Cussin’.”

This kid just got brought back from a weekend home pass by the cops, and this is what he had to say when another kid asked why:

Kid: “I’m here because my girlfriend kicked me wit my Guitar Heroes.”
Me: “She did what to Guitar Hero?”
Kid: “She kicked me wit my Guitar Heroes.”
Me: “She kicked the controller?”
Kid: “She made my knees potato chips. My starbursts.”
Me: “What?”
Kid: “My Ho-Hos, my donuts.”
Me: “Your balls? What are you talking about?”
Kid: “No, my turkey sacks. I got new shoes.”

“You probably couldn’t guess my dad’s name, though.”
“Um… Koboko.”

“What’s that say, Atmosphere? Does that mean he got like STDs?”

“Ain’t that the Mexicans that came out with drugs?”

“My grandma beat Tony Hawk in a race. No really, look it up on YouTube. It’s called granny style. And she beat the Chiefs. She kicked Dwayne Bowe in the face. She went Karate Kid on him. And she stole a Cadillac. And a piece of chicken.”

“It’s beautiful when you see a soul explode. It’s beautiful! You see all sorts of colorfuls!”

Kid: “Why don’t you drink regular stuff?”
Staff: “I can’t have too much sugar. I’ve got diabetes.”
Kid: “Why do you got diabetes?”
Me: “Dude, it’s not like… a decision you make. It just happens, man.”
Kid: “It ain’t? I thought it was a… a… deshizhion.”

Kid 1: “What’s IG stand for?”
Me: “Probably the company that makes it or a code or something.”
Kid 2: “I, Gangster.”

Uh, found this audio recording on my phone.

Kid: “Superman, Spider-Man…”
Me: “Have you been to Japan?”
Kid: “Taq… Taquito-Man”
Me: “Taquito Man?”
Kid: “I just made that up. Burrito Man. Muffin Man. Joke Man.”
Me: “That’s what people do in Japan? They dress up like that?”
(some other kid yelling in the background: “Mommy! Daddy!”)
Kid: “Uh… great.”
Me: “Have you been to Japan?”
Kid: “Dude, don’t even go there. I have like, my mom’s girlfriend, right? I told you about that.”
Me: “No, I know about that. And she told you that everyone dresses up like Pokémon and superheroes?”
Kid: “Hey. I’ve been there. Literally. My mom took me on a frickin’ trip there. It took me like, it took like forty hours probably.”
Me: “And that’s how everybody dresses there?”
Kid: “Not really.”
(Me, laughing)
Kid: “They look better than the way they look on TV. You know on the TV, manga cartoons? They don’t really look that same way.”
Me: “The… real people?!”
Kid: “Yeah! What?”
Me: “You thought they were gonna look like that?!”
Kid: “Yeah! I’m, I’m watching TV, okay, I watch like Japanese manga. Everybody’s like ‘wah!’ Everybody’s like crowded around in the streets ‘wahh!’ in all masks and stuff. Literally. Yeah. They look kinda boring there.”

Group meeting…

Staff: “What are you going to do today that’s positive?”
Kid: “Not get grounded or get in trouble today.”
Staff: “Okay, but what are you going to do to make that happen?”
Kid: “What do you mean? Not do anything to get in trouble.”
Staff: “That’s something you’re not going to do. What’s something positive you are going to do?”
Kid: “Oh, um. Not pierce my ear.”
Staff: “That’s something you’re not going to do again.”
Kid: “Oh! Okay, okay, okay… I’m gonna try really hard not to–”
Staff: “You’re doing it again!”

Kid: “Mr. A, what time is it?”
Me: “13:36″
Kid: “So that’s… 1:25 or 1:30?”
Me: “The minutes don’t change, dude. It’s just 1:36.”

Written on the recovery room marker board:

“I’m made I hat the world!”

UPDATE: When she was in a better mood, this is what she wrote:

“All people are osom now mater what.”

Kid: “You’re Samoan, right?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Kid: “How come you don’t have big earlobes?”
Me: “Am I supposed to?”
Kid: “Yeah! Don’t Samoans have big, hanging earlobes? Like, down to here.”
Me: “Never heard that one before.”
Kid: “Oh, I think I meant Buddhists. I confused Samoans with Buddhists, sorry.”
Me: “I don’t… think that’s right either.”

Kid: “He just swung on me!”
Cop: “No he didn’t.”
Kid: “Yes he did! Take his fingerprints!”
Cop: “Take his fingerprints? Off of what? The air?”

This girl is scribbling on a piece of paper, broken hearts with bandages and scratches all over them, and she says it’s my heart. Then she started writing dialogue.

“Y’all wanna hear my story? Okay, this Mr. Ah-Loe. First girl come in, she say ‘I love you.’ Mr. Ah-Loe says ‘I’m happy now.’ Okay, the second one come in, say ‘I love you.’ He say ‘You smell like butt.’ Okay, now the third one come up, and she say ‘I love you.’ Mr. Ah-Loe say ‘Man, I fell in love three times now, I can’t do it.”

She goes back to writing on the paper, and reading aloud what she’s writing.

“Man… I… fell… feel… man… I… feel… like… you… smell like butt, too. And you look like you got blue waffles. And crabs. And, also, cobwebs.”

This kid is playing a trivia game on the computer, and it asked what Yankee Doodle called the feather in his hat. He didn’t know, so I told him “macaroni.”

“Is that the dance where they do like this?”

And he started doing the macarena.

Kid: “I’m having hot flashes.”
Me: “Bahahaha! How old are you?!”
Kid: “Ten, er, not ten I mean twelve.”

“She said that if someone says something mean about her, she’ll slap ‘em upside the head and give ‘em some cheese puffs!”

Me: “Karaoke is from Japan, but the way they do it is different there.”
Kid: “Stop bragging.”
Me: “What do you mean bragging? I’ve never been to Japan, if that’s what you mean.”
Kid: “But I thought you said you were Chinese.”

Pause.

Me: “Are you serious right now?”
Kid: “Yeah.”
Me: “Why would… what does that have to do with anything? I haven’t been to China either, but I don’t know what that has to do with Japan.”
Kid: “I thought Japan was in China, isn’t it? I don’t know, man. I failed history.”

Me: “Are you sure you’re saying that right? Shouldn’t it be magikarp, as in magic? Like… a carp that is magic?”
Kid: “No, it’s MAGG-i-karp! I’ll go look up how to pronounce it in the Pokemon book.”

He brings up the book a couple minutes later, and it has a pronunciation thing that says “MAJ-i-karp,” but he’s standing in front of me with this cocky look on his face regardless.

Kid: “See!”
Me: “That’s a J! What word do you know that has a J that sounds like guh?”
Other kid: “Gangsta!”

“I have to go number one. And if I don’t, my heart’s gonna explode into a million itty-bitty pieces. Then I’m gonna die, because I won’t be alive. If I don’t come out, it’s because the Grudge got me. If I do, then it’s because it just made friends with me.”

“My mentor said that if he’s not here by twelve, he’ll be here after twelve.”

I mentioned Birdman getting his energy from the sun. I don’t remember why.

“I’m gonna try to do that one of these days, go live on solar power.”

“Heh, did you see his name? His initials are B.J. backwards.”

“I don’t like Abraham Lincoln. What he did was just… I would have shot him too.”

“I don’t have a sweet mouth, I have a devil child’s mouth!”

Walking the kids to school, suddenly a kid yells…

Kid 1: “MICHAEL JACKSON!”
Me: “What was that about?”
Kid 2: “He hates Michael Jackson.”
Me: “Why?”
Kid 1: “‘Cause he killed himself.”
Me: “Wait, no he didn’t!”

Kid 1: “I was born in the Bronx. I was raised there for a year, went to Florida for—”
Kid 2: “Broncs? Wow, you were actually made from a horse? Wow.”
Kid 1: “Wow. Not that kind. New York Bronx.”
Kid 2: “Which one, was it your dad or your mom that was a horse? That’s scandalous.”

Kid: “I’m gonna go into the bathroom, you know what I’m gonna do?”
Me: “…What?”
Kid: “I’m gonna sit on the toilet and hack into the shit of justice.”

“This pancake represents peace in Iraq. When it’s all eaten, there’ll be no more peace.”