Wham Kata

“Wake me up, before you go-go, don’t need you hangin’ here round the dojo.”

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Mr. Brubaker

“If I were going to eat something, I’d choose something that’s almost non-edible that you can barely even eat. Something like an alarm clock.”

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BMO Noire

Kid: “Mr. Ah-Loe, why’d you bleach the CD?”
Me: “What?”
Kid: “Why’d you bleach the CD?”
Me: “I can’t understand you when your mouth’s full.”
Kid: “Why’d you bleach the CD?”
Me: “The DVD? Why did I switch it out?”
Kid: “No, bleach it. It’s like, the color’s all black and stuff.”
Me: “That episode’s black and white. You can’t… bleach…”

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Better Dead Than Red

Kid: “Can you tell I’m burning up right now?”
Me: “No. How would I be able to tell?”
Kid: “Am I bright red?”
Me: “No.”
Kid: “Why does the All-American communist only speak Spanish?!”
Me: “What are you talking about?”
Kid: “It’s just an old saying.”
Me: “No it isn’t.”
Kid: “It’s just… something my friends say.”
Me: “No they don’t.”

I told him to go eat his dinner and now he’s speaking some kind of pseudo-Spanish gibberish to himself.

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Call From Beyond

After being told he has a phone call:

“Mama! Is it Mama? I know it isn’t grandma. Grandma dead!”

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Keynote Speech

Preacher: “I know we all have different political opinions, but I wanted to share this story. I remember seeing this young man on television giving a speech and thinking, ‘This young man should be President.’ This was in 2004 at the Democratic National Convention. And do you know who that young man was?”
Kid: “Abraham Lincoln!”

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Real Crystal Power

This kid got one of those crystal growing kits for Christmas and it has different color options.

Kid: “Is anyone allergic to red dye?”
Other Kid: “I am.”
Kid: “Okay, I’ll use green.”
Me: “He’s not gonna eat them.”
Kid: “I know. But, like, if he sees it.”
Me: “You can’t be allergic to seeing something!”

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Beard Bro

Kid: “That’s not fair!”
Me: “Yeah, well, I don’t remember the last time I thought anything would be fair.”
Kid: “I know something fair that happened to you. You got that beautiful mustache and beard.”

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Just Mammal Things

“Mr. Ah-Loe, I don’t know why… adult women… of the human kind… are the cows of the… I don’t know why. This is something that all men should know. The adult women are the cows of our race. The females are the only ones that are like the cows and produce milk.”

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Take that, Koopa Troopas

“Never underestimate the power of my mom. Never underestimate me, or I will underestimate you with my face, my fist in your face.”

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He really thought that’s what it was called.

“Statue of Puberty”

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I’m Your Father, Eh?

“Luke, I’m from Canada.”

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Number Plumber

“You know how Mario dies in every level? Koopa Troopa confuses him with numbers like 2, 6, 17, 23…”

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I’m going to try ordering one.

Kid: “Can I have some Half & Half?”
Me: “Like… creamer?”
Kid: “No, your half tea, half lemonade powder stuff.”
Me: “Oh, the Arnold Palmer? Half tea & half lemonade is called an Arnold Palmer, after a golfer who used to drink it all the time.”
Kid: “Oh. So can I have some golfer?”

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Say that again and listen to yourself.

Two similar things happened today.

When we were lining up for dinner, the kids started going out the door into the hallway. My coworker said, “Hey, I didn’t say to go out yet, get back in here and close the door!” One kid was standing in the hallway still and yelled, “I didn’t go out!”

Another kid lost his glasses in the yard by the basketball court. We were helping him look for them because he couldn’t see. One of the staff asked him, “Are you sure you didn’t leave them in your room in the first place?” The kid said, “They’re not in my room! If they were in my room, they’d be on my head right now and I’d be looking for them!”

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Thanks

Me: “Hey, can you shut that door for me?”
Kid: “Yes. I just ate my face. In Calcutta.”

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Future Fox News Statistician

“Did you know that ninety out of ten people sleep with their light off?”

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FDA Conspiracy

“Mr. Ah-Loe, is it true that every time your tongue touches salt, you get cancer a little bit?”

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My hovercraft is full of eels.

Kid: “I’m gonna speak Mexican.”
Me: “That’s not a language.”
Kid: “I’m gonn speak Mexican when I get in the shower.”
Me: “Listen. What do they speak in Mexico?”
Kid: “El… Spanish…o? Can I get some shampoo?”
Me: “Can you ask me that in Spanish?”
Kid: “Shampoo… di… sartinez?”

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You don’t even know how meta you are right now.

At dinner…

Kid:  “I am Antonio, I have TP for my butthole!”
Me:  “Have you ever even seen that show? That’s not how it goes.”
Kid:  “What show?”
Me:  “That’s from a show called Beavis & Butthead.”
Kid:  “Huh-huh. Butt.”

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Tai Chi Master

Kid:  “I hate this place! I’m gonna run!”
Staff:  “They already took your shoes. What are you gonna do about the rocks?”
Kid:  “I’ll put paper on the bottom of my feet!”

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Save it for your therapist.

“I wish she was younger and not my sister, ’cause she’s pretty.”

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Goodreads

Me:  “What’s your favorite book?”
Kid:  “Dexter’s Laboratory.”
Me:  “Is that a picture book?”
Kid:  “No.”
Me:  “Well, are there pictures in it?”
Kid: “I don’t know, I’ve never seen it or the insides of it or the cover.”
Me: “Then how is it your favorite book?”
Kid:  “I just like anything Dexter’s Lab.”
Me:  “But you haven’t read it.”
Kid:  “No.”
Me:  “Are you sure that book even exists?”
Kid:  “Yes. I heard about it from my sister’s friend.”

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Planet Lovetron

image

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Dig Newton

“Before I eat the last Fig Newton, I just have to say,” pointing at the cookie, “you are my awesome, cool dude… friend… guy.”

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